Republican Presidential Nominee Donald Trump Vows To … You Know What, Let’s Just Stop

In a major policy speech yesterday, Republican Presidential nominee Donald Trump vowed to … actually, let’s just stop here. This latest one, I mean, come on. I can’t even type this out. How long do we have to endure this farce?

Alright, looming deadline. Let’s take another stab at this.

I mean, come on. People should be ashamed to think the things that are coming out of this man's mouth right now

Most people would be ashamed to think the things that are coming out of this man’s mouth right now

In a major statement with serious potential implications, a man vying to become the most powerful person in the world yesterday stated … Jesus, this is one is too much. I went into journalism to be a dogged purveyor of truth and righter of wrongs, not to be a stenographer to an idiot.

Come on Dave, you can do this. Alright. Just write it as if it is not really happening. You are in a happy place, not in a country where this bozo is a nominee for President representing the Party of Lincoln.

Here we go.

Despite misgivings about Trump’s latest statement, his supporters praised the latest plan which they called … coffee. I could use a cup of coffee right now. That’ll give me the energy to make it through this. I’m just tired.

Good old coffee. Does it every time. Now where was I.

Although the plan does have some critics … Yes, some critics. Just a few, like EVERY SANE PERSON IN THE ENTIRE WORLD WHO BOTHERS TO USE THEIR HEAD and watches TV shows that aren’t The Apprentice and thinks that a man who sell steaks and bogus real estate investing seminars is not really a billionaire like he claims.

Deep breaths, Dave. Deep breaths. Alright, slow down. There you go. Zen, you studied Zen. Calm. Ohm, the mantra. You can do this!

Speaking before a crowd of thousands, Trump repeated his calls for…oh God, not this one again. I mean, come on. This is so stupid it makes Trump calling a reporter pretending to be someone else look smart.

You know what? Forget it. I can’t do it. From now on, an embargo on all Trump stories. This fever dream will pass in about five months. Call me when it’s over and this enormous, nonsensical distraction is done and we can start talking sense again.

Consider the Source

To the editor:

I read with some interest the May 25 editorial in The Salem News, “For fiscal health, Bay State ranks next to last.” The editorial noted Massachusetts’ poor standing in a recent survey of economic health conducted by an entity called The Mercatus Center at George Mason University.

Curious to know more about this organization I had never heard of before and their “market-oriented approach to solving problems,” I did some quick Google searches. It was not long before I discovered the Mercatus Center obtains a significant portion of its funding and support from the Koch Brothers, the billionaires duo with a long history of supporting extreme right-wing policies.

Both the CEO and executive vice president of Koch Industries sit on the Mercatus board and the think tank moved there after a $30 million giveaway to George Mason University from the Koch family.

After reading the ratings of various states on the Mercatus Center website, one has to wonder what criteria this Koch funded think tank used to evaluate economic health. The survey gave low marks to Massachusetts (in 2015 the sixth-wealthiest state in America), Maryland (the wealthiest state in America), New Jersey (the second wealthiest state in America), California (the ninth wealthiest state in America and the eighth largest economy in the world), and New York (home to the wealthiest city in America).

Downtown Fargo, the largest city in North Dakota

Downtown Fargo, the largest city in North Dakota

At the same time the Koch-sponsored survey gave high marks to (get this) Alaska, Nebraska, Wyoming, North Dakota, and South Dakota. While these states are all very nice, few outside of the Koch sphere of influence would regard them as economic or cultural powerhouses. Given the choice between living in Boston or Fargo, I know which one I, and many others, would choose.

When receiving criticism, it’s important to first consider the source. And when the source of an editorial in a local paper is from an out-of-state, Koch-sponsored think tank devoted to pushing an extreme right wing agenda, I think any rational person knows the proper response.

News Headline You Will Never See

Multiple deaths in a remote section of Liberia from a new, previously unknown disease were confirmed yesterday by public health officials. The deaths, while horrific and sad, have almost no relevance to your life nor will they in the future. So, seriously, calm down.

Three things to consider about the horrific new disease occurring in a foreign country

Three things to consider about the horrific new disease occurring in a foreign country

The disease, which will not be named so as to not incite a panic among more simple minded Americans, is being safely contained by a combination of fast acting private and public institutions. In fact, in a couple of months and possibly weeks you won’t even remember it. It will occupy a memory place in your brain next to “The Dick Van Dyke Show”, Bird Flu, and Nerds Candy.

Despite the prominent “NEW DISEASE” banners running at the bottom of every FOX News show, the illness has affected such a minuscule percentage of the population, it is almost not worth talking about at all. Unless of course this new development has totally ruined your vacation plans for summering in Liberia.

Our advice is not to worry about it too much. If the nameless disease gets out of control, we, the responsible media outlets, who would never put profits ahead of inciting needless and distracting mass panic, will let you know and the steps you can take to avoid it. Until then, just worry about getting to work on time and/or being there for your kids.

It is a beautiful world out there and fretting about potential problems in remote areas is to a good way to squander the riches you have been given. Always remember, there is a lot of money in peddling fear and FOX’s entire business model depends on it. You have much better things to do with your life. Start now.

Voting Blocs – Then and Now

Thirty six years ago, a new voting bloc of Republicans was created called “Reagan Democrats.” Demographically they were white working class voters in the Northeast and Midwest who traditionally voted Democratic but broke with the party to vote for Ronald Reagan.

Reagan, himself a Democrat at one point, spoke to these new followers directly by saying, “I didn’t leave the Democratic party, the party left me.”

It’s now been thirty six years and this group has been voting reliably Republican ever since. It appears the “Reagan Democrat” label expired long ago and they have been fully assimilated into the larger whole. At what point do we drop it entirely and instead start calling them what they now are – “Republicans”?

Donald Trump courts hispanic voters he previously called "rapists" with a delicious taco bowl

Donald Trump courts  Hispanic voters he called “criminals” and “rapists” with an offer of a delicious taco bowl

Perhaps that moment arrived with the nomination of Donald Trump. Despite the increasingly desperate pleas of establishment Republicans who, correctly, see the looming election day disaster, these white working class voters have nominated the worst Presidential candidate in history.

This situation was, in a way, inevitable. It should come as no surprise that a political party long ago tagged as “The Party of No” is now refusing to endorse their own party’s standard bearer. The list of prominent Trump non-supporters in the GOP include the entire Bush family, House Speaker Paul Ryan, and Massachusetts Governor Charlie Baker.

Some, like New Hampshire Senator Kelly Ayotte, attempt to bridge this impossible divide by claiming to “support Trump” but “don’t endorse him.” I leave it to Ayotte supporters to figure out whatever that means. It is as impenetrable as the sound of one hand clapping. Looking through the rhetorical brain maze she has constructed, it appears Ayotte supports Donald Trump when it is politically useful, doesn’t support him when it is not.

In nominating Trump, the GOP has clearly broken with its moderate wing and left them floundering, unable to choose between the two options. Governor Baker, for one, plans to not vote in this year’s election.

But refusing to vote for either candidate is not leadership, it’s letting go of the steering wheel and absolving oneself of what happens next. It’s time for these leaders without a party to stand up for something and, as repugnant as it may seem to them, I suggest that means becoming a Clinton Republican.