News Headline You Will Never See

Multiple deaths in a remote section of Liberia from a new, previously unknown disease were confirmed yesterday by public health officials. The deaths, while horrific and sad, have almost no relevance to your life nor will they in the future. So, seriously, calm down.

Three things to consider about the horrific new disease occurring in a foreign country

Three things to consider about the horrific new disease occurring in a foreign country

The disease, which will not be named so as to not incite a panic among more simple minded Americans, is being safely contained by a combination of fast acting private and public institutions. In fact, in a couple of months and possibly weeks you won’t even remember it. It will occupy a memory place in your brain next to “The Dick Van Dyke Show”, Bird Flu, and Nerds Candy.

Despite the prominent “NEW DISEASE” banners running at the bottom of every FOX News show, the illness has affected such a minuscule percentage of the population, it is almost not worth talking about at all. Unless of course this new development has totally ruined your vacation plans for summering in Liberia.

Our advice is not to worry about it too much. If the nameless disease gets out of control, we, the responsible media outlets, who would never put profits ahead of inciting needless and distracting mass panic, will let you know and the steps you can take to avoid it. Until then, just worry about getting to work on time and/or being there for your kids.

It is a beautiful world out there and fretting about potential problems in remote areas is to a good way to squander the riches you have been given. Always remember, there is a lot of money in peddling fear and FOX’s entire business model depends on it. You have much better things to do with your life. Start now.