Movie Reviews of Movies I Haven’t Seen – The Witch

This is a super scary movie. In fact, it is so frightening and disturbing that I will never see it.


Yup, I’m good, thanks.

The Witch is filled with deeply unsettling, haunting imagery that you will not shake for at least a week, possibly a month. Even then, some scenes probably achieve The Shining-level and you will  retain them in your head for the rest of your life.

In this movie, a lot of bad things happen to children which is upsetting but it goes up to 11 when you have kids and you already worry enough about them, thanks. I don’t need to add “Captured and killed by a demonic presence living in the woods” to my worry list.

The Witch is set during the Pilgrim times and it’s about a family that establishes a house outside of the village on the edge of the woods. The woods in the opening shot of the trailer look like where I grew up in New Hampshire so that kind of freaks me out.

photo-0050It’s a great concept for a movie. For those of you who were not raised there, the woods in New England are so dark and deep that they drove the people in Salem into madness and they started hanging each other. Later these same woods produced writers like HP Lovecraft and Stephen King. New Englanders have a long tradition of scaring the shit out of each other. So, good job, director of The Witch, who apparently hails from New Hampshire.

I couldn’t figure out why the family left the village to live on the edge of some scary woods from the trailer but, whatever. It’s a good plot device because a bunch of horrifying stuff happens afterwards. The baby disappears and the mother goes bonkers. Then some of the kids start talking to the black goat in their yard (symbolism?) and then something horrible happens to their son when he gets lost in the woods.

Then there are a bunch of clips that are extremely unsettling, again, a lot of them involving kids. This movie is an expertly made horror movie and I give it four stars and there is no need for me to see it.